There’s Too Much Talk about Child’s Nightmares

Jacob Azerrad, Ph.D.

Every night, her parents rush to her bedside to comfort and reassure her that there are no big germs, no lions, that her fears are groundless. Before bed each night, she asks, “Is everything safe?”

“You’re safe,” her mother tells her. “The shades are all pulled, the doors are locked, we’ll leave the night-light on.”

During the day Debbie discusses her nightmares with her mother and anybody in the family who will listen. Her mother sincerely believes that spending time talking will help Debbie let out her feelings about the nightmares and will go a long way toward finding and removing whatever problem is causing them.

Talking not the solution

By way of these long talks, Debbie’s mother, without realizing it, is creating a problem rather than solving one. She is telling Debbie that there is a very real payoff for talking about fears of big germs and terrible lions. Not only is she being rewarded by becoming the center of attention day and night, but the more her parents talk about her fears, the more they may be communicating that there might be something to be afraid of.

And Debbie’s response is: “If Mother and Father are spending so much time talking about the terrible lion and the big germ they must also be worried.”

Because Debbie’s parents have effectively said “yes” to her fears and nightmares, they have found themselves caught up in a perpetual cycle of nightmares with a handsome reward for Debbie in terms of attention.

Behavior like Debbie’s has to start somewhere. In her case, we can trace it back to accidental happenings some months before. Debbie had the flu and a high fever. At the time, she talked about bad dreams, and somebody else talked about germs. A little while later, Debbie and her mother talked about a story read at nursery school about a terrible lion.

Then, one night, she had a real nightmare featuring big germs and terrible lions, and Debbie found out that her parents’ concern, warmth, and caring followed being afraid of nightmares.

Obviously a child who has a nightmare should be comforted and reassured. We must, however, make a distinction between comforting a fearful child and going beyond comfort to searching for the root of the problem through long discussions.

As soon as parents play psychoanalyst in their well-intentioned attempts to understand the problem, they may be setting up conditions for a relationship between themselves and the child that can be as interminable as analysis itself.

In Debbie’s case, her parents, instead of saying no and setting themselves limits in their concern about her fears, have taught her that nightmares and nightmare related behaviors bring them closer, make them more involved with her. Those behaviors flourished, beyond Debbie’s or her parents’ control.

Changing behavior patterns

Is it possible to turn her behavior around – to stop the nightmares? Yes, if Debbie can be provided with an alternative kind of behavior that also brings her parents close and demonstrates their involvement and caring.

She needs to learn behaviors which will promote emotional growth in place of nightmares, and ways to bring her parents close that also encourage social development and ultimately, feelings of self-worth.

The first step is to note specific examples of mature, responsible, independent behavior consistent with Debbie’s age: such things as getting her own cereal at breakfast time, answering the telephone in a grown-up manner, reading a book by herself, asking for something politely.

These behaviors, whatever their motivation, are grown-up for a 5 year-old. She does them all the time.

Once parents have learned how to notice these behaviors, they are in a position to use them to teach Debbie ways of bringing Mother and Father closer. And they can teach themselves new ways of dealing with the nightmares that do not encourage or ignore them.

Results of parent adjustments

Each time Debbie behaved in a positive, grown-up way, her mother or father told her specifically what in her behavior pleased them: not simply a general comment about acting grown-up.

“It was very grown-up of you to change your clothes by yourself. That pleased me a lot.”

“You said thank you so politely to Grandma when she gave you the present. I was proud of you for being so grown-up.”

The seeds of positive behavior have received an initial push. An hour or two later, Mother takes Debbie aside and as vividly as possible reminds her of what she did earlier, the grown-up behavior that pleased her.

Immediately and casually, Mother follows her praise with five or ten minutes of an activity Debbie enjoys – reading a story, singing a song together, just having her sit on her lap and talk. Mother doesn’t say, “Because you were grown-up, I’ll read you a story.” This avoids future bargaining.

It is quite amazing to see how quickly specific praise encourages behavior that is grown-up and responsible, as in Debbie’s case. The time and attention she gets in this slightly changed world are as valid to her as the nightmare-induced attention.

Debbie has been given a reason the behave in a positive way. But what about the nightmares? It’s time now to make an effort to minimize the attention give them.

When Debbie wakes up now, or talks about her fears, her mother listens and expresses a few works of comfort. There are no more long discussions about them, no reminders that she has fears, no opportunities to communicate Mother’s worries to Debbie. If she’s getting the kind of parental involvement she wants from positive behavior and minimal involvement for negative behavior, Debbie isn’t going to get so much from nightmares.

This method can be applied to a wide range of behavioral problems that develop, usually inadvertently, when parents allow negative behaviors to grow and flourish. But it isn’t difficult to see the positive if you look for it, and it’s not hard to use the positive to teach your child ways to bring him or her happiness.

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