Raising Good Kids in Tough Times:

Talking About Terrorism

Dr. Roger McIntire

We worried about attacks on our shores in the 1940s. We built fallout shelters and practiced diving under our desks in the '50s. Bombs, biological warfare, and ICBMs hounded us the rest of the century right up to today.

Still the fears of terrorism aren't quite the same for the present generation. Parents of the '50s seemed to have more time to help with the anxieties of their children. Many were stay-at-home parents. The pace of life was slower, and the media was less graphic and a smaller part of a child's life.

But now we have become two-income families, and we average 52 hours a week at our jobs. The breadwinner of a single parent family may be even busier. Even with enough money, modern parents often suffer from "time poverty."

What can a parent say in the time that's left to a frightened child who has become overdosed by media coverage of the newest terrors?

Remember the five rules of good listening skills. It's easy to forget to:

1. Look at your son or daughter during conversation.

2. Show encouragement by facing your child and sitting in an attentive position.

3. Avoid advice and solutions that send the message that you are superior. Use questions instead.

4. Keep your pace slow so that your child can steer the conversation at least some of the time.

5. Refrain from beginning too many comments with "You."

Mom: "You look a little down, you should get out and get some fresh air. Why don't you take a walk?"

Starting with all those "you's" makes Mom seem pushy. A better start might be, "Another warm day. Let's take a walk, it always makes me feel better."

Walks or rides together are great ways to learn more about your child's worries. Even gaps of silence are acceptable in the car or walking around the block.

Grumpy: "Did you see those awful people on TV? Why are they always fighting? Do you think they will come over here?"

Mom: "I don't think so. Weren't those people fighting about their own government?" Mom soothes feelings a little and then gives the lead of the conversation back to her daughter with a question. If she is also looking at her daughter and showing good attention, she will be able to help with her daughter's anxieties instead of risking argument.

Grumpy: "I guess so, but they would fight with anybody."

Mom: "Don't be so concerned with what they say on TV. Why don't you do your homework reading, then you won't get so upset." Mom has slipped into her advice mode using "you" again and she implies that Grumpy is wrong to be upset. Let's give Mom another chance:

"Well, at least they are over there, but I know it can be scary."

This conversation will take extra time to help Grumpy. Good listening doesn't allow for a quick fix. Mom might want to be efficient, taking over and getting to the point, but disturbing and emotional topics require a slower pace.

"Telling" will take less time, but listening will be more help.

Dr. McIntire is the author of Teenagers and Parents: 10 Steps to a Better Relationship and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times. For more information see Parentsuccess.com. For publications, visit the CCBS bookstore.

Dr. Roger McIntire taught child psychology and family counseling at the University of Maryland for 32 years, where he conducted research and did applied work with parents and teachers. He has published several books, for both professionals and parents, appears often on radio and television talk shows, and writes a weekly column, Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, for the Martinsburg (WV) Journal. He received the 2001 Award for Effective Presentation of Behavior Analysis in the Mass Media, from the Association for Behavior Analysis. He is a father and grandfather. You can find out more about his publications at parentsuccess.com.

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