Raising Good Kids in Tough Times:

Sometimes You Drive Me Nuts

Dr. Roger McIntire

At the extreme, such habits can be symptoms of more serious childhood disorders, but even normal adults can develop aggravating habits that drive a spouse to distraction. Kids seem to have a knack for it.

In addition to providing attention, these repetitive habits can relieve boredom and many also serve a legitimate purpose such as helping a child relax in aggravating situations.

So pencil tapping, foot swinging, and rocking to music may annoy parents but are probably best ignored. Criticism risks giving too much undeserved attention and some habits may have a calming effect, if not to the parent, at least to the child.

Excessive fidgeting feeds on attention and may become a way to express exasperation with parents.

"Getting through to" Mom or Dad now produces ineffective reprimands from them, negative attention that, from the child's point of view, is better than nothing.

If Mom and Dad can keep their emotions in check and find an alternative role for the child in what is going on at the moment, then more pleasant habits can slowly replace annoying ones.

Mom: (Trying not to disturb everyone at dinner) "Michael, stop banging your spoon. How many times do I have to tell you?"

Michael: "I have to do something."

Mom: (Still in a very quiet tone) "Well, stop it or I'll have to give you a plastic one like you used to have. Did you make your history timeline for school?"

Michael: (Still tapping his spoon) "Yes, it's about President Roosevelt."

Mom: "Which President Roosevelt? And please put your spoon down."

Michael: "There was more than one President Roosevelt?"

Mom: (Still very calmly) "Yes, I'll tell you about both if you will use your spoon right, but if you continue, then at the count of three you'll have to use plastic." Michael continues. "That's one."

Michael may have to go to three and plastic this time. Later, if he has a part in the conversation, Mom hopes he will give up the annoying habit.

Giving Michael a legitimate role in the dinner conversation is only fair and it will help control childish habits. But if Mom comes up with these interests only when Michael acts up, you can see where that will lead.

Animal experiments where special treats are offered at long intervals can produce similar fill-in behaviors. Monkeys trained to press a lever after a delayed interval for treats will drink excessively while waiting if given the chance. Even with water available at all other times during the day, an animal, faced with nothing to do, will drink (remind you of anyone?) and even temporarily gain weight doing it.

To stop the acquisition of a bad habit, all that's needed is a shorter wait. When payoffs come more often, there's work to be done and no time for fooling around.

To stop the acquisition of a bad habit, all that's needed is a shorter wait. When payoffs come more often, there's work to be done and no time for fooling around.

Dr. McIntire is the author of Teenagers and Parents: 10 Steps to a Better Relationship and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times. For more information see Parentsuccess.com. For publications, visit the CCBS bookstore.

Dr. Roger McIntire taught child psychology and family counseling at the University of Maryland for 32 years, where he conducted research and did applied work with parents and teachers. He has published several books, for both professionals and parents, appears often on radio and television talk shows, and writes a weekly column, Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, for the Martinsburg (WV) Journal. He received the 2001 Award for Effective Presentation of Behavior Analysis in the Mass Media, from the Association for Behavior Analysis. He is a father and grandfather. You can find out more about his publications at parentsuccess.com.

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