Parent Styles and Parent Groups

Dr. Roger McIntire

Editor's note: This is the last in a three-part series on causes of the terrible twos and terrible teens.

What happens next? That's the question that will always play a lead part in determining a child's behavior.

Even children with confirmed disabilities or discipline problems will note parent reactions, adjust to those reactions, and then react themselves. So it is not only a matter of finding the diet and allergy reasons for a troublesome behavior and sorting out the need for medications, it is also working out the influence a parent should have every day.

Other adults in your family or extended family can be a help or a hindrance when your child begins to outgrow toys and Sesame Street. We are in tough parenting times because of all the influences our children encounter. Spouses and relatives can add balance if they stay on your side. A moment when you are supported by, "Hey, don't talk to your mother like that!" can be welcomed help when your teen-child is straining at the leash.

Whether you are on your own or in a partnership, other parents can also help you work out solutions to bad behavior and provide the assurance that others have problems similar to yours. A few calls or an announcement in a church newsletter will produce parents who are willing to take an evening a month for a parent coffee.

Good and bad parenting styles are common topics among parents. When a story comes up one will say, "That's not how I would handle it" or, "I would want to be sure he got the message that (his behavior was not acceptable) (I set the limits) (he is still loved).

It's hard to put a parenting philosophy into words and even harder to change it. Each parent's style comes as much from the behaviors they look for as from the consequences they use. Because bad behaviors are more noticeable than good, a parent's style can become more negative without a support group.

For example the "I-set-the-limits" style keeps the focus on guarding against excessive rowdiness, rule infringements, etc. This style can lead to a parent who feels like a policeman watching for mistakes.

The opposite is the "Isn't-he-lovable" style where the parent thinks her child can do no wrong or if he is wrong, he's too cute to reprimand. The "Oh-what's-the-use" style is the same but without the "cute" compliment.

The "I-just-want-to-get-through-the-day" approach is popular with harried parents who try to ignore most problems and use moment-to-moment negotiations for the rest.

Many parents remember feeling they were never quite good enough and they longed for the day their parent said, "You're the daughter (or son) I hoped you would be." I favor the balanced style that says, "Highlight the good points, it shows you like them. Be firm and consistent during the bad moments, it gives them security."

Dr. McIntire is the author of Teenagers and Parents: 10 Steps to a Better Relationship and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times. Write him through CCBS or go to www.ParentSuccess.com.

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