Raising Good Kids in Tough Times:

Like - Don't Just Love - Your Kids

Dr. Roger McIntire

Parents send a lot of messages about liking. Every time the kids do anything, the parents react negatively or with support or indifference. What a parent likes and doesn't like about what's going on is constantly expressed.

What should a parent look for in a child's or a teen's choices of action? We parents know the bad behaviors well but we are less specific about the good.

Mom: "Leave the baby alone, Nathan"

Nathan: "I was just going to pat him."

Now Mom has a choice. She could say, "I know what you were going to do. Now just stay away, you will wake him!" Or she could say,"I like to pat him too, but it will wake him and he's tired."

She has the same choice when the mistake is already done: (Nathan drops his jelly sandwich.) "You are so messy! Look what you did!" Or she could say, "Oh, look what happened! Better pick it up and get a paper towel."

If Mom goes with her first impulse, she emphasizes Nathan, the person. You will wake him, you are messy! If she chooses her second choice, she emphasizes a situation that she and Nathan are dealing with together: It will wake him. Look what happened.

It won't make a lot of difference to Nathan on this one occasion, but over the days and weeks, Nathan ends up with a very different message and a very different relationship with Mom.

Many of us had a good mother like Nathan's. Very concerned, always carefully watching, correcting, often lecturing. But Nathan was frequently disagreeable and angry. When I asked Nathan's mom for examples of Nathan's good behavior, she had trouble getting started but finally came up with common ones such as "doing well in school" and "getting along with others." I asked her to look for specifics of these during the next week and compliment Nathan when he showed success.

At our next meeting she reported an odd reaction after a compliment. Nathan said, "What's the matter with you?" After another week of being on the lookout for chances to show a little liking, Nathan's mom encountered another odd reaction: Nathan asked, "Do you like me?"

"Of course I like you," Mom said.

"Wow," said Nathan; already ten and just finding out that his mom not only loves him, she likes him.

Friends who like me bring out the best in me. I like the "me" they draw out. When we meet, their attention sweeps the common ground between us looking for sparkles to highlight. I return the compliment, like a friendly searchlight, my task is to find the gems.

Parents and their children should be friends. Not in the sense of enjoying the same music or having friends in common or playing similar roles in the family, but in the sense of enjoying time together, looking and supporting the strengths and successes in each other - child imitating parent.

Some people have another focus. Their search overlooks the good we try to provide and zeros in on vulnerable spots. We pull back and risk very little because we know what they're looking for. We cover up.

Aim your searchlight carefully. What are you looking for?

Dr. McIntire is the author of Teenagers and Parents: 10 Steps to a Better Relationship and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times. For more information see Parentsuccess.com. For publications, visit the CCBS bookstore.

Dr. Roger McIntire taught child psychology and family counseling at the University of Maryland for 32 years, where he conducted research and did applied work with parents and teachers. He has published several books, for both professionals and parents, appears often on radio and television talk shows, and writes a weekly column, Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, for the Martinsburg (WV) Journal. He received the 2001 Award for Effective Presentation of Behavior Analysis in the Mass Media, from the Association for Behavior Analysis. He is a father and grandfather. You can find out more about his publications at parentsuccess.com.

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