Your Language Makes a Difference

Dr. Roger McIntire

In a desperate need for identity and to "be somebody," these teens selected the worst examples from movies and TV which often justify profanity as ordinary and realistic. This from the same movie people who conjure horrible fights without blood or hospital stays and amazing car chases through traffic and pedestrians with no injuries, tickets, lawsuits, or insurance problems.

Outside the media, the purpose of a teenager's copy of bad language is, I guess, to impress the listeners or to emphasize what to them is important. But heaps of swearing added to whole sentences of "like" and "you know" result in no emphasis at all and an impression of mindless, dirty ignorance.

Some teens give the impression that they have lost respect for themselves or for anyone listening when they bury themselves in a mud of bathroom talk and profanity left over from their recent childhood (interrupted only this morning, I think).

What's a parent to do? Most teens have better manners but some shouldn't be brought to a mall without a gag, choke-chain, and leash!

How does this habit get started? First, you have to have a group. Teens don't have the confidence to engage in this sleazy patter alone and anyway most of it is intended to impress their friends. While they are not supposed to care about the opinions of others, the whole show is staged to impress others. When on their own, they try a more acceptable strategy. Of course, they really do care and try desperately to get the admiration and understanding they long for.

Parents can help with this confusion by maintaining a good model through the transition years, objecting to the trash language and defending other members of the family when they are abused by it. "Don't talk to your Mother like that!" can be a great family moment even if not a pleasant one.

If profanity is not accepted and no model for imitation is handy at home, this embarrassing phase of childhood to teenager will pass.

I think most kids expect their parents to keep the standard while they try out outlandish behavior and language. As a matter of fact, kids would be embarrassed if their parents tried to imitate the next generation.

One mother I know tried everything to clean up her daughter's language. Nothing seemed to work until her daughter's friend stayed for supper one evening. As the meal started, everyone went into shock when Mom said, "Pass the ****ing potatoes."

Later her daughter said, "Mom! I can't believe what you said in front of Mindy! What were you thinking of?"

"Isn't that the way you talk sometimes? I was just trying to fit in."

"No, no, just be Mom, OK?"

The best strategy I know is to "Just be Mom (Dad)." Hold to your standard and object to language abuse as you would any other abuse. Your example will win out.

When your grownup son or daughter says, "I can't believe I said that, I sound just like my Dad (Mom)," you will want them to be thinking of the best of your behavior.

Dr. McIntire is the author of Teenagers and Parents: 10 Steps to a Better Relationship and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times. See the CCBS bookstore.

Dr. Roger McIntire taught child psychology and family counseling at the University of Maryland for 32 years, where he conducted research and did applied work with parents and teachers. He has published several books, for both professionals and parents, appears often on radio and television talk shows, and writes a weekly column, Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, for the Martinsburg (WV) Journal. He received the 2001 Award for Effective Presentation of Behavior Analysis in the Mass Media, from the Association for Behavior Analysis. He is a father and grandfather. You can find out more about his publications at parentsuccess.com.

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