Raising Good Kids in Tough Times:

Give a Nice Day

Dr. Roger McIntire

Twelve children in every thousand is the subject of a child abuse case. Parents make up 87 percent of the perpetrators - more often Mom than Dad. Of course, there really is no easy-to-recognize line between discipline and abuse, and many cases go unreported. Relatively few cases involve children over 15, probably because they can defend themselves or leave. Seventy-five percent of the victims are under 6 because they can't. The numbers are probably much larger than these reported statistics from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

Legal cases of child abuse require evidence. Bruises or wounds discovered by doctors, teachers or others become the definition of child abuse in the courts. At home, the milder forms of abuse arise from frustration when even reasonable expectations are not met.

The problem usually begins with parents too aggravated by their own lives to tolerate the mistakes of the children. Often parents who were themselves abused in childhood are more likely to go to abusive extremes in dealing with their children. But abuse comes in many degrees and it is not an affliction a few deranged parents have while the rest of us know better. Rather it's a potential we all need to control as we provide limits and discipline for our children. Frequent reviews of expectations and limits can keep the parental perspective reasonable.

Physical punishments or even the less severe ones such as being sent to your room, can be subtle but they provide little information to the child. The punishment says what was wrong but nothing about what is right.

Positive reactions provide more information for the child and a better suggestion for how a child can get along with friends as well. Punishment only adds a model of using coercion to control others - children imitate.

For help and more details see the Administration for Children and Families at prevention@calib.com or for helpful local chapters of Prevent Child Abuse America see Preventchildabuse.org. Also Parentsanonymous.org can provide a network of help and companionship when parenting becomes stressful.

To break the punishing habit before it grows to the abusive stage, look for specific good behaviors your child does and support them directly with praise and compliments. It will build your child's self-esteem and improve your relationship with your children--particularly with those sensitive teenagers.

When Mom emphasizes the "catch 'em being good" approach telling her son how well he was doing on a part of his homework or how well he had cleaned up his room, she's likely to get the surprising reaction one mother described to me. Her son said, "Do you like me?" Mom said, "Of course, I do." And her son reacted, "Wow." Ten years old and he is just finding out that his mother not only loves him, she likes him!

Compliments and praise bring smiles and a happier atmosphere to the home than reprimands.

Give a nice day!

Dr. McIntire is the author of Teenagers and Parents: 10 Steps to a Better Relationship and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times. For more information see Parentsuccess.com. For publications, visit the CCBS bookstore.

Dr. Roger McIntire taught child psychology and family counseling at the University of Maryland for 32 years, where he conducted research and did applied work with parents and teachers. He has published several books, for both professionals and parents, appears often on radio and television talk shows, and writes a weekly column, Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, for the Martinsburg (WV) Journal. He received the 2001 Award for Effective Presentation of Behavior Analysis in the Mass Media, from the Association for Behavior Analysis. He is a father and grandfather. You can find out more about his publications at parentsuccess.com.

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