The Gender Differences

Dr. Roger McIntire

First in a series about avoiding childhood disasters.

In short, many boys are in trouble in our culture - partly because of a lack of recognition of their increased abilities as they grow up.

I recently attended a Bar Mitzvah ceremony for the son of a friend. In this ritual, when a boy reaches 13 and has completed a prescribed series of studies, he is accepted as a man with his father in the synagogue. What a wonderful rite of passage. Too many boys in our community never receive such an endorsement and long for that recognition and respect.

Most parents, teachers, and counselors believe boys are slower in developing social skills and therefore may attract less support, acceptance, and admiration than their sisters. Some believe boys don't want the gushier praise; they only want to be recognized for the competence they have.

Neither teachers nor parents should be misled by a son's bland reaction. To prove they are not easily influenced, boys often fend off sincere praise but it sinks in even if the reaction is postponed.

The support doesn't need a big fanfare. For most children, and especially boys, it can even be a little understated. The message doesn't need to be highlighted, just consistent. But if most opportunities are missed, a boy's effort can quickly drop off.

Dads are particularly likely to take up an ignoring strategy toward sons who seem to be indifferent. After all, Dad probably lived without too much support himself, so it's easy for him to look as if he doesn't totally approve of anything his children do.

Or Dads can fall into competition with their sons and hold back on compliments for fear of appearing weak. As a result of either approach, many adults will tell you, "As far as my own Dad was concerned, I always felt I was never quite good enough."

A strange effect of sexism in our culture is that girls often show better adjustment in childhood than boys partly because they make an earlier contribution to the family, particularly in the domestic chores. They enjoy early appreciation and are encouraged to do even more.

A son on the other hand, may feel ignored and search for some way to prove his worth - a way to show off. What will he find? If Mom and Dad don't help, the temptations may come from friends who encourage risky behaviors with mischief on their minds.

Positive support is the major advantage parents have in competing against their child's friends who encourage and criticize without much thought.

Gripe as both sons or daughters may about chore assignments, school work, and learning social skills, recognition of successful steps forward now will help maintain their genuine satisfaction with themselves later on when peers encourage dangerous habits.

Next week: Family time saved, spent and squandered.

Dr. McIntire is the author of Teenagers and Parents: 10 Steps to a Better Relationship and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times. Write him through the CCBS or go to www.ParentSuccess.com.

Return Home