Raising Good Kids in Tough Times:

Fits, Tantrums and Holidays

Dr. Roger McIntire

But as the kids grow up, we become more suspicious that they use the tantrum as means to an end. We know where they learned that.

Parents who avoid copying their child's volume and emotion in these moments of confrontation provide a better model and have the best chance of reaching a resolution instead of escalation.

If you know they are "itching for an argument," then supplying one only enrolls you as a future target. Explanations should be short and age-appropriate. Repeating to a three-year-old more than once that Mommy will be home when her class is over, is only feeding snacks to the tiger. If repeating seems necessary, keep the words and tone of voice exactly the same. No use adding entertainment variety to the problem.

As every parent knows, the decision to deny the request should not be altered by a tantrum, but often a request from an explosive child may tempt the parents to put off a confrontation with, "I'll think about it," or "We'll have to wait until your mother (or father) comes home."

It's not in a child's nature to put aside one line of activity and take up another while waiting for an answer to come down from the parental powers. The childish thing to do is cling to the present activity and push for an answer with nagging, complaining, attack and tantrum.

A parent's defense is usually to talk, cajole, plead and threaten - providing additional bad behavior to be imitated. As the delay continues, the behavior of both parent and child gets worse.

Many parents use the "all stop" method. The term comes from the Navy when the ship's captain commands, "All stop!" and all engines, whether in reverse, slow, or full speed, are shut down and the ship is dead in the water. For tantrums, it means no progress is possible until the tantrum stops - no discussion, no alternatives, no argument. Mom merely says, "We're in "all stop" until you stop this tantrum."

While holidays and company can cause the December tantrums, during the rest of the year some children get cranky when competition from a sibling is the focus. Others may have a metabolism that turns them into grouches just before supper. An early serving of the veggies or salad, holiday or not, may make a difference.

Here's a good place to keep family notes for a week or two. You may find that food shopping with your child right before dinner is always trouble. Or that homework arguments right before bed produces the most problems.

The best solutions will come from easing known situations that trigger tantrums and setting a good example for children not mature enough to handle disruptions that come with holiday schedules.

Dr. Roger McIntire taught child psychology and family counseling at the University of Maryland for 32 years, where he conducted research and did applied work with parents and teachers. He has published several books, for both professionals and parents, appears often on radio and television talk shows, and writes a weekly column, Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, for the Martinsburg (WV) Journal. He received the 2001 Award for Effective Presentation of Behavior Analysis in the Mass Media, from the Association for Behavior Analysis. He is a father and grandfather. You can find out more about his publications at parentsuccess.com.

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