Raising Good Kids in Tough Times:

The First Day Back at School

Dr. Roger McIntire

Visit the new school before that first day - if only to walk around the outside. This will help ease your child's first-time jitters, even if he or she has been there at other times.

Also do some early shopping for school supplies. You may not yet know all the special items teachers will require, but shopping now will start your son or daughter looking forward and will reduce last minute, hectic shopping.

On these outings, bring up the school bus times, lunch situations, and after-school arrangements so that first-day misunderstandings and surprises can be avoided. After my first day in first grade, I just started walking home as I had seen my older brother do. Mom found me only after only a few minutes of family panic.

It also will help to get the schoolmates together for an afternoon - especially local new ones - before school starts.

Day one in middle school is an especially big, lonely step for sons and daughters. Three months ago they had one main teacher, familiar classmates and a simple schedule. Now they have several teachers, classmates from many schools, and a new place with a new class schedule. It may be the biggest culture shock in their life so far. Yet parent involvement both at school and at home seems to taper off in middle school - just when it's needed most.

Most of the tragic stories of kids gone wrong at this stage begin with a surprise - a surprise to the parents that the kids even had a problem. But as the review goes on, it turns out there were signals: frustration with a troublesome subject, a bad attitude learned from new classmates, fear of being embarrassed in class, or bullying by others that went unreported.

On that first school morning, it's tempting to be a last minute critic with too many "don't's" and "watch out for's" so your children will do everything right. But the first morning rush is a bad time to undermine confidence and inflate worries. They will be especially thin-skinned, defensive, and easily embarrassed on that first morning.

Day one is a good time for a compliment, optimism, and a show of confidence. If we parents are to keep up with how the first days go in middle or high school, we will have to consciously slow the pace of conversation so the kids will follow our lead and make more sense.

Remember conversation makes a bad competitive sport. If you try to "one up" every remark, your student will harden his defensive style early and real information about his school fears now and his experiences in the fall will be scarce.

In the everyday rush to jobs, shopping, and school buses, take the time to go slow and to hear about what's going on. Watch for your chances to listen and use them, they can help you keep up.

Dr. McIntire is the author of Teenagers and Parents: 10 Steps to a Better Relationship and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times. For more information see Parentsuccess.com. For publications, visit the CCBS bookstore.

Dr. Roger McIntire taught child psychology and family counseling at the University of Maryland for 32 years, where he conducted research and did applied work with parents and teachers. He has published several books, for both professionals and parents, appears often on radio and television talk shows, and writes a weekly column, Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, for the Martinsburg (WV) Journal. He received the 2001 Award for Effective Presentation of Behavior Analysis in the Mass Media, from the Association for Behavior Analysis. He is a father and grandfather. You can find out more about his publications at parentsuccess.com.

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