Raising Good Kids in Tough Times:

Family Discussion Tactics

Dr. Roger McIntire

Last in a series about family conversation: Are boys losing out in family talks?

At the end of the 1990s 133 women earned bachelor's degrees for every 100 men. By 2010, for every 100 male college graduates there will be 142 women.

Is this a school problem or a home problem?

Parents often tend to cave in to flack from boys while resisting any flack from girls. Insistence on girls doing their chores and homework develops their skills and their enthusiasm for work done successfully. Boys may receive less encouragement from exasperated parents or because their boys dodge the work altogether and as a result fall further behind in the experience department.

Another source of the gender difference problem may come from the trend to single parent families. The U.S. Census says one-third of our children are raised in single parent households, up from only one in 10 in 1960. These children are five times more likely to be raised by single Moms than single Dads. So girls will have a same-sex role model while the boys may be looking to teachers, relatives, and media for guidance part of the time. Whatever the sources of influence, the differences between boys and girls in school are becoming disastrous.

By 12th grade, 44 percent of girls have become proficient readers but only 28 percent of boys have made the cut. Only 41 percent of boys said they "often" tried to do their best work in school, compared with 67 percent of the girls.

So the boys need any encouragement we can give, and the most useful encouragement will be time - time with homework, time with talking over career plans and time for looking into the prospects after high school graduation. Don't be discouraged by the apparent lack of enthusiasm for these topics. Boys often feel obligated to act independent (I don't need any homework help) and competent (I know all about those college programs).

It's a parenting pitfall to become discouraged by the apparently indifferent attitude of a boy and leave him short on attention and serious family topics.

When your school asks for volunteers for field trips or football games away, encourage Dads to take up the opportunity. It will give the fathers a chance to learn more about their sons and to set a standard for students who need the male example.

In those conversations at home, remember that often a teenager's number one fear is embarrassment. So rather than beginning with a question you know he can't answer, "How are you going to get anywhere without an education?" Start with information he wants to hear, "Here's a flyer about that golf scholarship in Virginia. What do you think, maybe we should drive down and take a look." A picture is worth a thousand words, but a visit is worth a thousand pictures.

Dr. McIntire is the author of Teenagers and Parents: 10 Steps to a Better Relationship and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times. For more information see Parentsuccess.com. For publications, visit the CCBS bookstore.

Dr. Roger McIntire taught child psychology and family counseling at the University of Maryland for 32 years, where he conducted research and did applied work with parents and teachers. He has published several books, for both professionals and parents, appears often on radio and television talk shows, and writes a weekly column, Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, for the Martinsburg (WV) Journal. He received the 2001 Award for Effective Presentation of Behavior Analysis in the Mass Media, from the Association for Behavior Analysis. He is a father and grandfather. You can find out more about his publications at parentsuccess.com.

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