Raising Good Kids in Tough Times:

Family Discussion Tactics

Dr. Roger McIntire

Second in the series about family conversation: Put-Downs and One-Ups

Both sides have verbal habits and attitudes that can frustrate an otherwise valuable conversation.

1. Put-downs are usually vague yet personal. General complaints are sometimes triggered by a particular infraction, "Watch your language or you'll wish you had." Of course he knows you're talking about a particular (usually four-letter) word but this objection is expressed as a general criticism of a whole person.

Better to avoid the general put-down and focus on the present mistake. "Don't say that word in our family; it's rude, abusive in a sexual way and as an adjective to "car" it doesn't even make sense. It sounds as if you don't know enough language to express yourself."

I agree this is still a put-down but, focused on the behavior with some extra explanation, it is less personal. This will not immediately take care of the problem, but at least he may search for other words. When he finds them, let him know you are impressed.

2. One-upmanship is also a bad parental habit. It usually comes near the end of a conversation when we decide to declare ourselves the winner. We like to see starts and ends where often only a continuing process of change exists. For example, as parents we hope to persuade our children to avoid bad habits at the very beginning. No smoking, no drugs, no alcohol.

Conclusions on the end of these conversations are better left off. "So I don't ever want to hear that you..." is better replaced by a reason, "Once those brain cells are gone, they don't regrow."

Whether you have a child or a teen these discussions are likely to continue on into their twenties. The best help will be your reasoning against the bad habits and your example. Statistically, smoking kids come from smoking families. Alcohol abuse breeds alcohol abuse - whatever the commands, arguments or excuses. Children, even teens, copy better than they listen.

"You can't quit school. You won't get anywhere without an education."

"They don't teach anything I need to know." Now Mom could remain inflexible, stay with put-downs and disagree saying her son needs to learn the basics or that he doesn't know what needs to be learned.

She could also go with a one-up. "Your father wouldn't have the job he has today if he had quit, and I wouldn't be teaching without my extra schooling."

A better approach might be to look for agreement. Certainly there's more to learn since we were in school. Maybe he has a point about what he needs to know and it's time to ask for a better menu. Just working out what needs to be learned will turn him toward learning it, whether the school decides to teach it or not.

Dr. McIntire is the author of Teenagers and Parents: 10 Steps to a Better Relationship and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times. For more information see Parentsuccess.com. For publications, visit the CCBS bookstore.

Dr. Roger McIntire taught child psychology and family counseling at the University of Maryland for 32 years, where he conducted research and did applied work with parents and teachers. He has published several books, for both professionals and parents, appears often on radio and television talk shows, and writes a weekly column, Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, for the Martinsburg (WV) Journal. He received the 2001 Award for Effective Presentation of Behavior Analysis in the Mass Media, from the Association for Behavior Analysis. He is a father and grandfather. You can find out more about his publications at parentsuccess.com.

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