Raising Good Kids in Tough Times:

Family Discussion Tactics

Dr. Roger McIntire

First in a series of three on family conversation habits: Winners and Losers.

Parents can easily slip into similar modes with their own children, but unlike campaigns where only the candidates are judged, at home everyone is a player. This makes a big difference.

One way to begin is to avoid using family conversations as a competitive sport. Conversation should not be a game. Games have an end and winners are declared. That means they also have losers. If parents play to win, the games will be short because parents have more practice putting everything into words. Sooner or later Mom and Dad won't find anyone who wants to play.

"How was school?"

"Same old thing."

Mom has a choice right away. She could say, "Come on, something must have happened." Mom's score is up one, daughter's is down one. Or Mom could leave the score at zero saying, "Gets pretty dull in the middle of the year."

"Yeah, everybody's going nuts having to stay inside all day - even for soccer practice."

Now Mom could say something else agreeable and understanding, "This weather has certainly been awful." Or she could play to win, "Well, at least you get more time to get your homework done." Daughter's alarm goes off. Defenses activated, here comes Mom's topic and criticism.

Parents can easily slip into this efficiency mode. "I don't have all day to blabber, She needs to spend more time on her work, so I have to get in my licks when I have the chance." This is a parenting style reserved for speaking to children. We know the conversation will end soon, and we want to "wrap it up" with our point.

Better to forget about the ending and let most conversations explore situations without conclusions. Most often neither side wanted directions or advice anyway.

The real disadvantage to adversarial games is that losers quickly become non-risk takers. Then creativity goes down and conversations increasingly become defensive arguments. Sometimes both sides end up just attacking and defending.

Often parents suspect that these confrontations have become a habit and an entertainment. They are inefficient encounters for a child looking for the satisfaction of dominating at least in a conversation at home.

You don't have to be drawn into these tennis game conversations. It's not necessary to hit every ball that comes over the net, some silence is OK. And it isn't necessary to return every argument with a retort. Take your time with reactions as you would with an adult friend. Avoid the personal comments as much as possible and encourage your child to think (and talk) like an adult.

With the time limit ignored and the score left at zero, future talks are more likely and will probably become more interesting.

Next week: Family arguments: "Put-Downs and One-Ups."

Dr. McIntire is the author of Teenagers and Parents: 10 Steps to a Better Relationship and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times. For more information see Parentsuccess.com. For publications, visit the CCBS bookstore.

Dr. Roger McIntire taught child psychology and family counseling at the University of Maryland for 32 years, where he conducted research and did applied work with parents and teachers. He has published several books, for both professionals and parents, appears often on radio and television talk shows, and writes a weekly column, Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, for the Martinsburg (WV) Journal. He received the 2001 Award for Effective Presentation of Behavior Analysis in the Mass Media, from the Association for Behavior Analysis. He is a father and grandfather. You can find out more about his publications at parentsuccess.com.

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