Raising Good Kids in Tough Times:

Early Bites of Parent Abuse

Dr. Roger McIntire

Babies start out with no idea about consideration for others. "No matter that it's four in the morning, I'm hungry, so I scream to be fed. No matter that it's dinner time and Mom has changed me 10 times already, I need a change, now."

You can't negotiate with a baby, so good parents just try to satisfy them as best they can. Consequently, it's a new idea for a toddler when parents begin asking for a little consideration.

Learning about how to get attention starts early. Later, when parents become suspicious that not all demands are justified they need to begin helping their little tyke learn to help himself and to be more thoughtful.

When does this start? How do you know when not to give in and instead expect a little consideration and effort from them? Start early with lots of talking. Even when you think they are not old enough to understand, language experience and practice is always good. "You'll have to wait until the milk is warm and I get my clothes on."

Even early chores have a social side. Toddlers learning to put their socks on need to understand that practice is not a punishment by an obstinate mother. She needs to explain, probably many times, that Mom has other family jobs and his efficiency at this task will be even better than hers. Most of these self-care chores will require a step-by-step approach leaving part of the job (pulling up the socks, for example) for her toddler to do.

One mother stopped to talk to a friend as our PTA meeting ended. I watched as her 13-year-old daughter repeatedly bumped her mother in the back pushing her away and out the door. Mom would not tolerate anyone else doing that. How can it be right for her teenager?

Other behaviors also deserve a reaction. At a Thanksgiving gathering, one mother complained that her six-year-old son bit her when she didn't provide immediate attention to his requests. "When he bites, what can you do?" another mother asked.

"I tried giving him a good talking to, but I made more progress by briefly leaving him and going to another room without comment."

Mom can't ignore her little snapper when his teeth are planted in her leg, but her friend said when her son started to bite she also left him or took him away without argument for a brief timeout. But after that she added an explanation about how she felt and questions about what he could have done about his situation other than biting.

These parent-child confrontations are not fun, but they are essential if a little budding abuser is to learn to be a better person.

Dr. McIntire is the author of Teenagers and Parents: 10 Steps to a Better Relationship and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times. For more information see Parentsuccess.com. For publications, visit the CCBS bookstore.

Dr. Roger McIntire taught child psychology and family counseling at the University of Maryland for 32 years, where he conducted research and did applied work with parents and teachers. He has published several books, for both professionals and parents, appears often on radio and television talk shows, and writes a weekly column, Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, for the Martinsburg (WV) Journal. He received the 2001 Award for Effective Presentation of Behavior Analysis in the Mass Media, from the Association for Behavior Analysis. He is a father and grandfather. You can find out more about his publications at parentsuccess.com.

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