n reacting to everyday problems, children most commonly imitate the adults around them at home and school. You may not always notice because they imitate the style more often than the actions. Attitudes toward others, conversational style and temperament are the durable characteristics of teachers and parents that are copied.
Imitation is the most common human behavior. Not that we don't think for ourselves, but in the volume of everyday activities we follow habits and leads from others. The family atmosphere develops from these regular reactions and imitated attitudes.
Parental reactions, critical and angry or fair and loving, are copied by the kids in their responses back to the parents and on to others. These recycle through the family, and everyone reaps a little of what they sow. Give a nice day.
Everyone has seen parents who are always riding their children: "Blow your nose." "Tuck in your shirt," "Don't touch," and so on. On the other hand, we have all seen parents who never react and let their children go their own way, ignoring responsibilities at home and school and showing no consideration for anyone else.
Parents who show consideration and admiration for their children usually have a positive, and less frantic, family situation. A mother who balances criticism with encouragements and frequent compliments is more influential and closer to her children than Mom, the critic.
The balance is not always easy because most parents know what bad behavior is and we have no trouble recognizing it. But when we're asked what good behavior is, our answers become vague. A good exercise for parents is to list the specific good behaviors they are looking for: doing something for his little brother, taking his dishes in from the table, getting dressed in the morning. With such a list of specific actions in mind it's easier to "catch 'em being good."
If you are a single parent, it may be all the more difficult to say to yourself, as a spouse might: "Don't let me pick on the kids; stop me and point out the good things I do."
The disposition to punish and correct others can be learned just as easily as the disposition to encourage others but the results are very different. Punishment creates tension and sour feelings in the home and only shows that out of all the responses the child could have made, he has chosen the wrong one - try again. Little information is available in that.
Praise and encouragement makes for a happier home and tells the child that of all the things he could have done, this is one of the right ones.
A rewarding reaction is also more difficult for parents because it takes time to decide what to reward and how to do it, but you will have a more pleasant job as a parent and you will have a child who is still informative, friendly, responsive, and not always wanting to go somewhere else.
Dr. Roger McIntire taught child psychology and family counseling at the University of Maryland for 32 years, where he conducted research and did applied work with parents and teachers. He has published several books, for both professionals and parents, appears often on radio and television talk shows, and writes a weekly column, Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, for the Martinsburg (WV) Journal. He received the 2001 Award for Effective Presentation of Behavior Analysis in the Mass Media, from the Association for Behavior Analysis. He is a father and grandfather. You can find out more about his publications at parentsuccess.com.
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