Bullies, Victims and School Policy

Dr. Roger McIntire

Telling a child, "You're old enough to solve your own problems," hasn't worked and parents or school staff who chide the victims with, "Stand up for yourself," are often concealing their own fear of aggressive confrontation with a bully. What can a parent or teacher do?

Victims of bullies can be passive or provocative. Passive victims are often alone, anxious, sometimes weaker, or may cry easily. Provocative victims can bring trouble on themselves because they tease and irritate others, and don't know when to back off. When they get an unwanted reaction, they sometimes fight back, but usually ineffectually.

Girl bullies may use more subtle tactics than their more violent brothers such as insults and ridicule, but the terror they inflict is the same. So victims avoid unsupervised areas, playgrounds, restrooms, and the lunchroom to keep from being the repeated targets.

School psychologist, Izzy Kalman, offers direct help for kids with a free online manual, How to Stop Being Teased and Bullied Without Really Trying. His new website, www.bullies2buddies.com also has a free manual and advice for adults.

The rewards for teasing and bullying are in the reactions of the victim, says Kalman. He makes specific suggestions about how a child should react, or not react. Kalman has some very good free advice for your child.

Yet, the single most effective deterrent to bullying is an adult authority. We parents and teachers should intervene. We can do it with a no-nonsense style, as a problem solver and as a third person who smoothes things over.

For example, David is 10 and has been the class bully for many school years. He shakes his fist at Richard and says, "You'd better give me that extra quarter you have left over from your lunch."

Ms. Williams, the fourth grade teacher says, "David, that doesn't go here. Come to my room for the rest of your lunch time - we need to talk."

Preventative school policies hold the bullies responsible for their behavior. Staff may feel uncomfortable confronting bully behavior and may ignore it. Or they may feel isolated, unsupported when it comes to intervening in the lunch room, hallways, or on the playground. The power balance needs to shift away from power for bullies and back to the school staff.

"No-Bullying Rules" and school policies that encourage students to speak out and to get adult help when needed should be supported by parents. Our goal should be to protect the victims and to help the bully replace negative behaviors with skills that involve treating others kindly.

Bully-Proofing Your School: A Comprehensive Approach for Elementary Schools published by Sopris West is an excellent source for school planners. This book describes effective long-range programs for schools and parents, and it provides useful handouts, exercises, and needed strategies. (Also available through Amazon.com.)

Victims usually don't tell adults their troubles because they expect no help and are afraid of retaliation. The problem needs to be addressed by school staff because bullies disrupt academic performance, reduce interest in school, and cause excessive absences.

Dr. McIntire is the author of Teenagers and Parents: 10 Steps to a Better Relationship and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times. Write him through CCBS or go to www.ParentSuccess.com.

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