Raising Good Kids in Tough Times:

Who's to Blame for Bad Behavior?

Dr. Roger McIntire

Why would a child behave in a bizarre way? Answers could include physiological factors, diet or allergies. School adjustment, friends and exercise habits also play a part in the behavior of both healthy and troubled children.

So it's tempting, and often necessary, to cart the child off to the doctor or psychologist and hope for a magic prescription or surprising insights that will make everything better. The professionals, however, often complain that the parents, and sometimes the patient also, expect too much magic and are impatient or even angry if the prescription includes effort - "work" we used to call it - on the part of the people involved.

The "whys" of behavior extend to or often even begin with, "What happens next?" The child throws a fit, refuses to cooperate in the mall, is abusive or demands undeserved attention and then what happens? Logical consequences or argument? Consistent answer or appeasement?

When faced with this question myself, it was difficult to remember exactly what did happen. My daughter (age seven) had stopped dead in the toy store in the mall. "I won't go," she said. I said something evasive about getting home. She screamed, "I want it (some toy I can't even remember now) and I won't go until you get it."

"You don't even know what it is," I said forgetting that my challenge only left the door open for more bad behavior - I hadn't yet said "no" and now she felt encouraged to go full out for victory.

"I do too know what it is."

"OK, what is it?" Of course this didn't resolve anything. I had decided against the purchase, I just hadn't told her.

"It's...the yellow box." Now she's embarrassed and losing control, but I mistakenly go for the win.

"See, you don't know." Now, I was winning, or I was losing, or we were both headed for disaster. The last one turned out to be right. I ended up carrying my kicking and screaming daughter out of the mall, with many scowls and accusing looks following me.

Kids read signals closely, and if they don't hear a clear answer, "No," that has a reputation of the last word, they assume they can succeed if only they can say the right thing. A few miles before the "South of the Border" gift and entertainment stores a sign on I-95 reads, "Keep Whining Kids, They'll Stop."

Next time, and there will be a next time, you are challenged with weird behavior, remember that your very next reaction is crucial. Remain understanding and considerate but firm when faced with childish demands.

Dr. McIntire is the author of Teenagers and Parents: 10 Steps to a Better Relationship and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times. For more information see Parentsuccess.com. For publications, visit the CCBS bookstore.

Dr. Roger McIntire taught child psychology and family counseling at the University of Maryland for 32 years, where he conducted research and did applied work with parents and teachers. He has published several books, for both professionals and parents, appears often on radio and television talk shows, and writes a weekly column, Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, for the Martinsburg (WV) Journal. He received the 2001 Award for Effective Presentation of Behavior Analysis in the Mass Media, from the Association for Behavior Analysis. He is a father and grandfather. You can find out more about his publications at parentsuccess.com.

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