Grumps, Fits and Tantrums

Dr. Roger McIntire

Editor’s note: This is the first in a series of three about emotional outbursts.

When a child who regularly throws tantrums makes a request, parents need to be careful. As every parent knows, the decision to deny the request should not be altered by a tantrum, but often a less clear reaction gets parents into hotter water.

An explosive child may tempt his mom or dad to put off a confrontation with, "I'll think about it," or "We'll have to wait until your mother (or father) comes home." Most kids don’t have the patience to take up a new activity and put another on the wait-and-see list until the parental powers have decided. The long delay makes a tantrum likely. A postponement sounds weak and tempts a child to fight for what he or she wants?plenty of time to try out naagging, fussing and even a tantrum.

Instead of switching to a new activity, the childish thing to do is cling to the present direction and push for an answer.

Another argument for prompt decisions is that they not only allow less time for a tantrum to develop but also less time for parents to give in.

If the tantrum starts anyway, the “all stop” method has been popular with parents. The term comes from the Navy when the ship captain commands, "All stop!" and all engines, whether in reverse, slow, or full speed ahead, are shut down and the ship is dead in the water. For tantrums it means no further discussion, no alternatives and no argument. Mom merely says, "We're in "all stop" until you stop this tantrum" and nothing else.

One disadvantage to this approach is that most of us will not really stop and say nothing else. We want to finish our point and refute theirs. So we’re tempted to continue to talk, cajole, plead and threaten. If the tantrum gets longer and louder, parents are tempted to do the same.

It’s easy to inadvertently feed the tiger because as he escalates his volume, then your own volume and anger goes up only to be imitated in the next round.

If your not-so-darling afternoon companion is looking for an entertaining argument, then giving him one only makes you a continuing victim. Keep explanations short and boring. Repeating your side of the argument with new reasons only provides a nasty kid with new ammunition to use. Keep the words and tone of voice exactly the same, no use adding entertainment variety to the problem.

The best solution will come from patience with a child not experienced with life’s usual stresses and not mature enough to handle frustration, hunger, or fatigue without emotion. Parents can help with a low-key and consistent reaction when tantrums do erupt.

Dr. McIntire is the author of Teenagers and Parents: 10 Steps to a Better Relationship and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times.

Questions or comments for Dr. McIntire can be sent to CCBS or go to his book store at www.ParentSuccess.com. Other parenting books by Dr. McIntire available through www.ParentSuccess.com or in the CCBS Book Store.

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