Getting Along at School

Dr. Roger McIntire

Suddenly all my companions were immature children. They didn't care about me nearly as much as my Mom and Dad did. They didn't drop everything and listen when I yelled (Of course, I only made reasonable demands), they just continued doing their own thing! I wasn't the center of attention any more.

All grade school newcomers face these adjustments to being on their own. They develop new ways to fit in, get their measure of attention, and deal with a new school, new friends and sometimes new enemies. But many need to be taught the strategies of making friends, cooperating in a class, and working out problems with classmates.

It's not easy. How would you like it if all of your friends had the social skills of five-year-olds? They don't, do they? Or what if all your friends had the minds of 12-year-olds and you only had 12 years of experience yourself? Could you learn new social skills from them?

Most kids adjust by focusing on a few friends and coming to a cooperative truce while gaining the companionship they need. Others have trouble getting on the same wavelength with anybody.

A bad adjustment at school makes for an unhappy childhood. Some children may come to dread school and perform poorly. They need help to make school life more enjoyable. Here are a few helpful hints to pass along to them:

Hint 1: Develop a compliment habit. Withholding compliments, whether out of jealousy, inattention, or a misunderstanding of the power of the positive is a mistake. While waiting and hoping to be admired themselves, kids often neglect the other person's yearning for a few kind words. Even that nasty kid hopes for some positive words.

Hint 2: Make a list of the qualifications for friendship. Trying to be likable is a difficult and mystifying task for a child or teen who often thinks of himself as number one.

To help children understand the impression they want to have on others, school counselors sometimes ask students to write down why they like certain people and not others.

While appearance and being cool are important when thinking of themselves, children and teens usually list different characteristics when thinking about why they like someone else. The most common ones kids mention are: someone they admire, someone who likes them, someone who is available and a reliable companion.

Hint 3: Learn to listen. Coaching parents should advise: "Where do you look when talking with a friend? You don't want to stare at them, but if you look away too much, the other person thinks you don't care. Your eyes, reaction, and posture say a lot about how you feel."

Cool, sarcastic, angry, or bitter people make interesting characters in movies and on TV. But children should realize that in real life Ms. and Mr. Cool are not well liked because they show little concern or interest in others.

Dr. McIntire is the author of Teenagers and Parents: 10 Steps to a Better Relationship and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times.

Questions or comments for Dr. McIntire can be sent to CCBS or go to his book store at www.ParentSuccess.com. Other parenting books by Dr. McIntire available through www.ParentSuccess.com or in the CCBS Book Store.

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