Fears, Worries and Panic

Dr. Roger McIntire

Editor’s note: This is the second in a series of three about emotional outbursts.

Brain pathways for fears that are conditioned from traumatic experiences are not the same as pathways in the brain for more reasoned experiences with natural consequences. Therefore reactions to fear cannot be soothed with reason. Telling a child to “get hold of himself” or “stop being such a baby” won’t be much comfort. Better to calm your child with a quiet voice and no added argument or blame.

Eight-year-old Allen: “Those terrorists could be right here on our street ready to blow us up.”

Mom: “Now Allen, there aren’t any terrorists on our street.”

Allen: “You don’t know, the guy on TV says they could be anywhere.”

The problem with this conversation is that both sides are partly right. Of course, some form of terrorism could happen anywhere. It’s not likely, but not inconceivable either. Even though both sides are partly right, Mom, in an effort to calm Allen down, objected to his extreme statement and took up her offense-defense mode without allowing any room for agreement. Let’s give her another chance:

Mom: “Where did they say those terrorists did that?”

Allen: “Over in that war, but it could happen anywhere.”

Mom: “It could. But what is possible and what is likely can be very different.”

Allen: “Sure, but we need to be careful.”

Mom: “You’re right.”

Where will this conversation go? Mom doesn’t want to erase every bit of Allen’s concern, and she would like to stay on his side. His panic isn’t going to make him feel better. So she agrees when she can and poses a broader view when she can. The parenting job is not easy.

If all worries are criticized as wrong, Allen may eventually hide his concerns from both friends and parents - all disguised or covered overr by an attitude that says everything is just fine. Yet the daily news usually has a story of a troublesome teen who underneath was not just fine. How can you improve your teen's communication of these problems?

You need time. If you find yourself always trying to close up one conversation so you can get on to winning the next, your teen is likely to be arguing or leaving on most occasions. Some part of the day has to be reserved with a priority for a child-teen to talk and a parent to listen. Will that be between work and dinner? At dinner? Between dinner and the next event?

Once selected, stick to it and give it its due. No conclusion needs to be reached and no decision needs to be made. Just exploring fears in a broad context of options and alternatives can ease an otherwise terrifying day. Don’t go for closure, let closure come to you.

Kids often have repetitious thoughts expressing dread of some threatening future event - a test, a medical exam or a difficult social situation.. One way to relieve fear is to give up looking for an answer and work out the next action.

This "taking action" strategy allows fears and unanswerable questions to be replaced with small actions. Writing a list of possible questions and answers coming up on the English test or practicing a classroom presentation in front of family won’t erase fear, but the exercise can bring the fear to a controllable and less anxious level.

Dr. McIntire is the author of Teenagers and Parents: 10 Steps to a Better Relationship and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times.

Questions or comments for Dr. McIntire can be sent to CCBS or go to his book store at www.ParentSuccess.com. Other parenting books by Dr. McIntire available through www.ParentSuccess.com or in the CCBS Book Store.

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