Raising Good Kids in Tough Times:

The 2003 Challenge

Dr. Roger McIntire

When it came to the reasons for coming up short, parent worries about "negative societal influences" were first with worries about too little family time and cost of living coming in second and third.

For positive influences from the society they live in, most parents feel they can't count on either the society or the media. I think the positive influences will have to come from Moms and Dads.

As a matter of fact, parents in the study said even prime time TV was a negative influence on their children. Yet most were not willing to do much about it. For example, only 22 percent said they ever "seriously considered" getting rid of the TV and half said their child had a TV in his or her room (40 percent of 5- to 9-year-olds; 50 percent of 10- to 12-year-olds).

Both parents and teachers know kids have to be encouraged, so when the kids are not watching TV or computer monitors, the adults in their lives usually step in to inspire and encourage them. We adults, on the other hand, know that once we're past payday, praise, encouragement and other positive reinforcers will be hard to find.

Negative reinforcement is the more common experience for both kids and adults, but it is probably a less familiar term. It refers to the use of a threat to try to motivate some action: "Make your bed or Mom will be mad. Do your homework or the teacher will embarrass you in front of the class." And for adults, "Get that work done, or the boss will be furious."

If most of a child's efforts are aimed at avoiding these punishments or embarrassments and staying out of the line of fire, next year is likely to be as tough as last year. Even with the threat removed, a child may be afraid to risk the exploration and creativity necessary for growth and learning. It will take some time and courage to test the new situation.

So here's a possible New Year's resolution: Every day, find something to compliment, appreciate, and support. Translate some old negative habit into its flip side - positive encouragement for what should be done instead of criticism for failures. Gush a little, even if you have to be somewhat corny. Tell your child you noticed when he made a successful effort - cleaned up some dishes - said something nice to his brother - got ready for school without complaints about clothes and lunches.

This "behavioral smile" is contagious; the kids are likely to copy your effort and the smile style will recycle through the family. Keep it up - even a spouse can pick up the habit.

Dr. McIntire is the author of Teenagers and Parents: 10 Steps to a Better Relationship and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times. For more information see Parentsuccess.com. For publications, visit the CCBS bookstore.

Dr. Roger McIntire taught child psychology and family counseling at the University of Maryland for 32 years, where he conducted research and did applied work with parents and teachers. He has published several books, for both professionals and parents, appears often on radio and television talk shows, and writes a weekly column, Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, for the Martinsburg (WV) Journal. He received the 2001 Award for Effective Presentation of Behavior Analysis in the Mass Media, from the Association for Behavior Analysis. He is a father and grandfather. You can find out more about his publications at parentsuccess.com.

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