What Can a Parent Do?

Howard Sloane, Ph.D.

Communicate.

We always hear that communicating with teens is very important but often difficult problem, but rarely get advice on how to promote meaningful communications. Here are a few considerations.

1. Stop all obvious or subtle punishment for communicating. A major reason that teenagers do not communicate with adults, or do not communicate freely, is that adults frequently punish youths for what they say. Usually, this is unintentional and subtle. For example:

Parent: What did you do after school today?
Son: We went to Brad’s and shot baskets.
Parent: But just last night you were complaining about how much homework you have!

Parent: How was the movie?
Daughter: It was gross – after 30 minutes we left and went to Sylvia’s.
Parent: Were her parents home?

Notice how natural this sounds, but also notice how, in each case, the minute the kid says something, a critical remark was made. If you want your children to talk to you, you must never be critical of them for communicating.

But what do you do if your son tells you he went to Brad’s and they smoked dope? Should you sound as if you approve? Of course not! But you do appreciate his trust and willingness to discuss it, so start with that. Say “Thanks for being willing to discuss this, even though you know I worry about smoking dope.” Before jumping on him, ask how it happened. Maybe you will get some useful information, such as if he says “Well, Brad and Ken started and I did not want to, but they kept bugging me, telling me I was chicken, saying I was a dork, that everybody does it, and making me feel like a dumb shit.” Now you know he is having trouble resisting peer pressure, and you may be able to help. Be sympathetic but not approving of the outcome, “Yeah, I guess it’s tough to resist when all your friends get on you like that. What could you have done?” Maybe you can prompt him to come up with alternatives or suggest some yourself, such as saying “Well, doing what everybody else does isn’t automatically cool – it’s more like being a sheep.”

2. Take what your child says seriously. When your child tells you about a problem, or about how they feel, do you say “It’ll pass, just wait,” or “Everyone feels like that at times,” or “You’ll outgrow it,” or “That’s just life,” or “I wish I had troubles like that?”

These comments suggest that you do not think the issue is serious, and a more appropriate response is something like “That must have made you feel lousy.” Things that happen to teenagers are important and are serious, and you should respect that. This does not mean you cannot help a son or daughter see things in perspective, but acknowledge their reality first.

3. When you cannot approve of something, after you have listened non-critically and rewarded telling you about it, stress first your feeling, not the morality or legality. “I worry about your being where people drink” is better than “It is illegal for minors to drink” or “Drinking causes accidents.” When you then explain why you worry, you can bring in these things. Similarly, it is better to start with “I feel better when you do your schoolwork first” than with “Leaving your homework to last is a good way to never get it done and flunk.”

4. Take time to listen to your children. Your day is busy, you worked hard, the TV or the newspaper or chores or social events call, but make time to listen when you are approached. If you absolutely cannot drop what you are doing, say something like “I really want to hear about that, when I can sit down with you and hear the whole thing. Right now, I have only a few minutes before I have to pick up your sister – can we talk when I get back?”

5. Self-disclosure. Letting your children know about problems you face encourages them to do the same. If you have work or social problems, perhaps a casual sharing of these at times will encourage reciprocity. Like, “boy, did I have a tough day … three people jumped on my butt at work at the same time!” “My goodness, your kid thinks, is dad (mom) actually human?” However, it is probably not cool to regale them with wild stories of all the stupid things you did when you were young, although a bit of honesty if you are asked may be appropriate. If asked about whether you ever drank too much, used drugs, drove wildly, shoplifted, or whatever, you will have to decide what you are comfortable with revealing. Honesty is best, if you do not want to discuss it perhaps it is best to say something like “Yes, I did some stupid things, but I want to forget them.” See if you can get away with this.

The steps to better communications: Do not be critical or punitive, take children’s concerns seriously and with respect, stress your reaction first, not morality, take time to listen, and show you are human.

Keep Informed

Make sure you know what your son or daughter is doing and where he or she is going. Don’t spy or be secretive, just make clear that you expect to know where they are, when they will be back, how they are getting there, and with whom. Without being annoying, make sure you know who your child’s friends are, and find out especially about ones you never seem to see. Be very matter of fact, and do not act as if you assume the worst. Hopefully, you do not. It is just that it is your responsibility to get filled in on these things. Do not conduct inquisitions and ask critical questions.

Make sure you know about what things your son or daughter has. Hobbies like gun collecting, chemistry, etc. need adult supervision. If you feel your son or daughter must collect weapons, you should know where they are, control access, and make sure the items are legitimate collectors’ pieces. If the family goes hunting, all weapons are under adult lock and key (not that any kid with the IQ of a rock can’t break into a locked cabinet.) Personally, I would not allow weapons in the house with children unless I was a peace officer or something of that sort. I was a collector, but before my kids got interested in guns I sold my collection. Ask about strange things, and make sure you get a solid answer before backing off.

If you are successfully following the guidelines for good communications, you will probably be able to openly ask and explore with your son or daughter any unusual groups, interests or activities.

Privacy is an issue. You should operate on a “need to know” basis. You get the information you must have, and then you butt out. This is a tricky line to draw – try discussing it with your son or daughter for a start!

Positive Models

“Do as I say, not as I do” is probably a bad parenting technique. Do not set a bad example for your kids. Stressing how you cheat the IRS or got revenge on someone should be a no-no. Talking about how it is okay to rip off the “big guys” (stores, companies) encourages the wrong behavior. If there are groups or people you hate, think are inferior, or want to hurt or belittle, you are setting an example that may lead your children into trouble, and perhaps you should consider why you need to do this rather than getting on with your own life. If you scream, shout, tantrum, abuse or hit others, your children are more likely to do the same. If you abuse drugs or alcohol, including tobacco, the same is true. The same is true if your spouse or partner does these things. These are all tough things to change – you need to decide if your kids are worth at least making a start and, perhaps, getting help. For them, not for you.

Being Good at Something

Help your kid to be good at something positive – whether it is some academic area (math, for example), a hobby (ham radio or growing plants) or some area of music or art. Your child probably is already on the way to being good in some area – praise it and encourage it and get others to, also. Ask your child what they are good at, and if they say “nothing” explore things they might like to learn. Then set about helping them do it, whether this means signing them up for a course, teaching it yourself, buying a kit, making something, spending a few hours Saturday throwing the baseball around, whatever. You might even like it.

Family Fun

Family projects and activities set the occasion for doing a lot of these other things. As kids get older, they often would prefer to be with peers. However, there are ways to still get them enthused about family activities. These are:

1. Let the kids suggest an activity. You may not like it, but fair is fair.
2. Bring a friend of theirs – let them suggest whom.
3. Keep it brief – things need not be all day – perhaps an hour or two.
4. Leave the rug rats home. If your spouse, partner, relative or friend can watch the little ones, take just the older ones someplace for an hour or two.

Don’t Ignore Problems

It would be nice if all the bad stuff just went away, but frequently it does not. When you see a potential problem, bring it up and do something right away. Problems that are just starting are easier to resolve than well established ones. Sometimes you may even find there is nothing to worry about! But don’t wait and wait.

Get Help

When you suspect something serious is wrong, and you do not know what to do, get help. There are lots of sources – a teacher, the school psychologist, your clinic or physician, your minister, other professionals, depending on what you think might be wrong. Getting help is what competent people do. Wimps are unable to tell when help is needed, and do not know how to get help. Competent people do whatever it takes to solve a problem, and often this is getting help. To paraphrase the Chinese Book of Change, there is “no shame.”

Will these ideas guarantee you will not have any serious problems? Although we would like to believe “yes” the answer, unfortunately, is “no.” Life is complicated, and we are only human and fallible. Our suggestions here are far from perfect and omit many things. But we are sure they will help – that following these strategies will reduce your chances of suddenly confronting a major problem with your children.

If it does this for one of you, we think our effort was worthwhile.

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