Turning Competition into Caring

Jacob Azerrad, Ph.D.

Sibling rivalry. It’s as old as Cain and Abel. We are told it’s normal and inevitable.

Jennifer is jealous of her younger brother, and often makes comments such as: “You love him more than you love me.” When she doesn’t get her way she says: “You don’t love me – you hate me.” Her parents are unable to buy him anything without getting her the same thing or she will say: “You don’t love me – you buy everything for him.”

On the other hand, when she receives something that he doesn’t get, she taunts him, laughs at him, and lets him know repeatedly that she is getting more than he.

Brothers and sister don’t always get along peacefully. All people disagree from time to time. This is not unusual except that we have a special name for it, sibling rivalry.

Not only do we have a name for it, but sometimes the conflict is profitable because of the attention it creates. If there is a payoff for tormenting a sister or brother, it will continue. But not because of something in-born which makes brothers and sisters natural enemies. Language plays a big part in determining what we see.

Sibling Caring

The term “sibling caring’ is unfortunately not a part of our vocabulary. Yet sibling caring does exist. Girls look up to big brothers. Brothers are protective of little sisters. Sibling caring is a real and positive bond, if parents take the time to see it and encourage it. Sibling rivalry only occurs if parents encourage it because they expect it to be there.

David likes to tease his younger sister. The more he teases her, and gets a response from his parents, the more he practices the behavior. It’s not long before it reaches a point where his sister fights back, and Mom and Dad step in. They’ve heard about sibling rivalry, and this must be it.

The times David has helped his sister read a story, taught her to ride a bike, told her how pretty she looked, the days he waited to walk her home from school, fade away and are forgotten.

People see sibling rivalry, but they don’t take the time to look at sibling caring. David’s parents look for the problem in every situation that the two children are together. They step in quickly when he teases or annoys her.

“Leave your sister alone. Why do you bother her? Don’t you like her? Are you jealous of her? Don’t we treat you both the same way? Do you think we love her more?”

Spoken or unspoken, these questions color the relationship between the children, among all family members.

Ending the rivalry

How do you end sibling rivalry?

The time to begin this is not when sibling rivalry is occurring. The first steps toward solving all childhood problem behaviors begin at times of peace and harmony.

• Step one: on a small notepad jot down two or three specific examples of sibling caring, weekly. Be specific. What did your child say or do that indicated sibling caring? We are looking for small examples of sibling caring on which to build, so note behaviors, even if they are brief, expected or ordinary.
• Step two: At a later time, take your child aside privately, and remind him or her of the earlier sibling caring behavior.

Praise him or her without mentioning the less caring behaviors your child may have displayed in the past. Don’t say: “It’s nice to see you share with your brother for a change.” Tell your child why this new behavior is valued.

On occasion, immediately follow this with five to ten minutes of pleasant time together. Play a game, talk, or share an activity. Don’t tell your child why you are doing this, just do it as though the idea had just occurred to you at that moment.

Finally, when you observe sibling rivalry, your response must above all be brief and dull. Don’t ask your children who started the fight, how the fight began, or what they are fighting about. Don’t reason or argue with them.

Your reaction to their conflict in those few minutes following the incident will either encourage or discourage this behavior in the future, and it can determine once and for all whether your child demonstrates sibling rivalry or sibling caring.

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