Talking to Children About Aggression

Beth Sulzer-Azaroff

“Is he sick or hurting?” I replied.

“Not that I know of.”

But my daughter called me days later to report that after coughing up a big hairball, Pumpkin was back to his own cuddly self. She wondered how I knew. How did I know? Well, behavior analysts understand that aggression often is a reaction to pain.

Many scientific studies have taught us that creatures living harmoniously together, as most of us do on our planet earth, may assault one another when they feel hurt. Pain is one of the main reasons people might become so angry that they want to harm others. Of course there are more reasons for aggression: fear; encouragement from their friends and heroes; trying to show how big and important they are; taking the things they want away from others; and many more. That is why all of us need to cooperate with our neighbors close by and around the world. We need to help one another both to gain the skills and resources everyone wants and needs and to relieve discomfort, fear and a sense of hopelessness.

If you find yourself feeling scared or angry over the September 11th air attacks, that is another example of the way human nature works. It is understandable that you may want to run away and hide or rush out and try to hurt someone, anyone, people you know or even strangers you think look like the ones who carried out the attack. If you did, you might feel good for a while, but in the long run that only would make matters worse. You hurt them, they hurt you, and each of you will keep trying harder and harder to harm one another. That's the way wars get started.

Is there a better way? There is. First, try not to be too frightened because then you will not feel so much like fighting. You may worry about the things you see on television happening to you. Remember that the world is a very big place with lots of people. It is very unlikely that something like this terrible thing would happen to you.

Second, don't feel bad if you do find yourself scared or angry. As we said, that is human nature. Instead, take the energy those feelings cause and turn it into something useful. Do or make something to help other people, especially the ones who were hurt by losing loved ones. Send them a letter or a cheerful picture you have drawn. If you are old enough, get together with your friends and do some physically challenging activities to help work off steam. You can even be a leader and do something like and organizing a 'remembrance field day.' Set up a schedule of races, have pitching and throwing contests and other sports and games that include all the kids. Maybe you could ask the parents and children who attend to pay small admission or entry fees and use the money to send something to those who are in pain.

It is not exactly what you do. The important thing is to use your angry feelings in ways that are good for you and others. Feel proud. You should, because you are meeting fear and rage face to face and pushing them aside. You are doing something to make the world a better place. Every day we are faced with choices between good and bad, right and wrong. Philosophers, poets, advice columnists, and politicians have for eons enjoined us to behave correctly. But who is to decide what is good behavior and what is bad?

Beth Sulzer-Azaroff is Professor Emeritus of Psychology, University of Massachusetts, Amherst and President of the Browns Group of Naples, Inc., a behavior analytic teaching, training and performance management organization

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