Raising Good Kids in Tough Times: What's the Right Thing to Say?

Dr. Roger McIntire

If you're not used to talking to youngsters or just not familiar with the new generation's interests, the conversation can be uncomfortable for you as well.

Remember those holiday conversations you had with aunts and uncles. What stress! I still remember the dread of being told, “Go say 'Hello' to your grampa.”

“Hello, Grampa.”

“Well, Merry Christmas, Roger. How's school going?”

“Oh, it's OK.” (Twisting the truth a little.)

“Are you keeping up on your piano lessons?”

“Well, I kinda stopped after school started this year.”

Pause, “Sorry to hear that. Are you going to start again?”

Pause, “Ah, well, yeah, I might.” (Twisting the truth a lot.)

Pause, “You getting along with your brother?”

Pause, “We get along OK." (Crushing the truth beyond recognition.)

“Well, be good.”

“OK. 'bye.” Ah, relief, another anxious task over.

Later I felt guilty as Mom reminded me of what I should have said when all I was doing was trying to survive the conversation. “Did you tell grampa about your school project? Did you mention the book he sent you? Did you tell him about the tractor you saw that is just like his?”

No, no, and no, I forgot.

I just wanted to avoid giving my eavesdropping brother something to humiliate me with the rest of the day. Escaping without embarrassment was as high as I aspired. For most children, their greatest fear is embarrassment.

Children are most easily embarrassed by a minefield of questions. It is not a good time for teaching long lessons but it is a good time for the child to talk and adult to listen. Here are some ways to bridge the generation gap and still help a child with the stressful moments of conversation.

General questions (“How's school?”) are often difficult for children because they demand the most memory and creativity. These qualities are not likely to be available to a socially stressed child. Specific questions can produce an easier conversation: “What was that tune you were playing when we came in, it sounded familiar to me.” or “Do you have Mrs. Anderson for history?”
Beware of questions that invade the sacred ground of fears and inadequacies: “Do you have many friends in school? Are you doing better in school now?" Better to stay close to known strengths, especially at the beginning: “I hear you're doing really well in math and language arts this year."
Often questions about a third thing, not you, not me, are better than items that may be too close to home. “You're in the new middle school now, pretty different from your old school I guess,” is much more comfortable than, “How are you doing at the new school? My best subject was math, what's yours?” These questions tempt the child to stretch the truth and then keep the conversation short lest they be discovered.
Questions with loopholes are better than the blunt kind. “Playing a lot of baseball these days?” or, “Do you like soccer games better than the practice?” would be better than, “Do you go to all your soccer practices?”
Compliments are always welcome, as long as they don't draw too much attention to the child-teen person. “Nice shirt, I like it,” is better than, “That shirt looks good on you, you're really filling out.”
Avoid pointed conversations in situations too public. Talks that might go well in private might be too threatening while greeting all the family relatives at the door.

The best strategy is to admire any reported progress and leave plenty of time for a child seeking the right things to say.

Strong opinions and outright criticism are off the mark in these short and infrequent contacts. Leave the heavy stuff for longer and less crowded visits.

Making the World a Better Place is pleased to host a series on Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, drawn from the book written by Dr. Roger McIntire.

Dr. Roger McIntire taught child psychology and family counseling at the University of Maryland for 32 years, where he conducted research and did applied work with parents and teachers. He has published several books, for both professionals and parents, appears often on radio and television talk shows, and writes a weekly column, Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, for the Martinsburg (WV) Journal. He received the 2001 Award for Effective Presentation of Behavior Analysis in the Mass Media, from the Association for Behavior Analysis. He is a father and grandfather. You can find out more about his publications at parentsuccess.com.

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