In the Aftermath of Flames, Smoke, Death
and Suffering: We Can Choose What We Do

Stuart R. Harder

In that instant between well being and all-consuming grief, in that instant of realization that our loved ones are no more, those of us still standing, however distant, grieve for our fellow citizens whose loss is more painful than anyone, here or abroad, ought ever bear. Those of us in the professional community of behavior analysts are as reticent as any in this country to speak on a day of such sorrow, let alone give 'professional' advice. None is needed. None is forthcoming. Instead, let me share a few thoughts from one grieving person to another, as one who has known loss and who has had to give comfort even when the giving was the last thing I felt capable of providing.

Know this first. The depth of your grief and pain is a measure of how deeply your life was affected by the one you lost. Why grieve were it not so? Your sorrow is also a measure of how well you have been loved. Though seeming to be overwhelming now, attend to that great sorrow and acknowledge its source. Its source is the gift you were given when your lifelines got crossed and tangled up in one another. Your gift to others, given even now in these trying times, is to clearly see the love that was so freely offered and pass it onward.

Also know this. Your grief and pain will not go away. Don't despair at the thought that what you feel today will always remain. It will be with you, though its form, persistence, and intensity will change. Look to that presence in your very being and greet it each time it seeks your attention. There is no need to do anything with it. Do not try to make it go away or wish it were not so. Just greet the sorrow and sadness and then give thanks to its source that is the gift of love you shared.

Finally, each moment, in spite of how desperately you wish for your loved one to return, give your attention to the details of your daily life. Notice the feeling of air as you breathe it into your lungs, attend to the sensation of your toothbrush as its bristles move over your teeth, and smell the smell of coffee freshly brewing in the morning. Set aside moments for such attending many times each day. You need not take long. A few seconds will do. Give yourself over to the feel of a friend's hug, really look at a smile, and relish the enduring warmth of one hand holding another. Ask yourself, “What does this moment require of me?” Then do what must be done. Do love. Do share. Do send the gifts received onward.

Please know that I will do the same as I counsel others, because I must. Though there is no assurance, perhaps in our loving, in our sharing, in our giving of gifts received, the hearts of those who sent forth such rage may be soothed and brought to peace. Our leaders will undoubtedly seek a measure of retribution in our name. This may be a necessary reaction. As such, it will not be the final act. Only our commitment to a life lived fully, awake and given to perfect acts, will bring an end to hatred and desire for revenge.

Stuart Harder is a Behavior Analyst in the St. Croix River Education District, Rush City, Minnesota

Return Home