Could Talk Have Saved Lives in Littleton?

Howard Sloane, Ph.D.

1. Take time to listen.

Your day is busy, and chores or social events beckon, but take time to listen when you are approached. Put down the newspaper, turn off the TV, and listen. If you absolutely cannot drop what you are doing, say something like, “I really want to hear about that, but right now I have to pick up your sister. Can we talk when I get back?” And be sure that when you do have your talk, your child does most of the talking. Too many parents confuse having a talk with giving a lecture. Listen, really listen, to what your child is trying to tell you.

2. Take what your child says seriously.

When your child tells you about a problem, do you say, “It’ll pass, just be patient,” or “Everyone feels like that sometimes,” or “You’ll outgrow it,” or “That’s just life,” or “I wish I had your troubles?” If so, you are telling her that you do not think the issue is serious. What may seem like a molehill to you, may be a mountain to her. Instead of minimizing a child’s problems, show that you understand that the pain is real. A comment such as, “That must have made you feel lousy,” lets the child know you recognize the seriousness of the problem. This does not mean you cannot help a son or daughter put things in perspective (a pimple that appears on the eve of an important date is not on a par with being HIV positive), but first acknowledge the reality of the problem.

3. Reveal something of your own problems and failings.

Letting your children know a little about your own problems may encourage them to share their problems with you. Saying something like, “Boy, did I have a tough day. Three people jumped on my butt at work at the same time!” may make you seem more human. However, it is probably not a good idea to regale a child with stories of the trouble you got into when you were young: Remember that kids tend to imitate their parents.

4. Don’t punish your child for telling you things.

A major reason that children do not communicate freely with adults is that adults often punish them for doing so. Often, this is unintentional and subtle. For example:

Parent: What did you do after school today?
Son: We went to Brad’s and shot baskets.
Parent: But just last night you were complaining about how much homework you have!

* * *

Parent: How was the movie?
Daughter: It was gross -- after 30 minutes we left and went to Sylvia’s.
Parent: Were her parents at home?

The parent’s response in each case may seem perfectly innocent, but notice that the parent is really criticizing what the child said. Of course, sometimes the criticism is far less subtle, as when a parent says, “I’ve told you not to hang out with that bum!” If we punish children for telling us things, we should not be surprised when they clam up.

Not criticizing a child for telling you things isn’t the same as approving of everything he says. You can make it clear that you disapprove of an act, but also make it clear that you appreciate his trust and willingness to discuss it. You might say, “I’m glad you’re willing to discuss this, even though you know I worry about your smoking dope.” Ask how it happened. Maybe you will get some useful information. If he says, “Well, Brad and Ken started. I didn’t want to, but they kept bugging me, telling me I was chicken, saying I was a dork, that everybody does it, and making me feel like a dumb shit.” Now you know he is having trouble resisting peer pressure, and you may be able to help. Try being sympathetic without approving of the outcome: “It’s tough to resist when all your friends get on you like that.”

5. Stress your feelings about an act, rather than its illegality or immorality.

If a child admits to an action you cannot approve, stress your concern about the child’s well being. “I worry about your being where people drink” is better than, “It is illegal for minors to drink” or, “If you keep this up you’re going straight to Hell.” When you explain why you worry, you can bring in legality and morality, but by emphasizing your concern, you show your love and avoid sounding pedantic.

Improving communication between yourself and your children won’t prevent all problems. Your child may still use drugs, drive too fast, and ditch school. But if you and your child talk on a regular basis, the chances are good that the problems will be manageable. If all parents and their kids talked, really talked, there might never be another Littleton.

A more complete text of this paper, with even more helpful advice, is located in our Parenting Section.

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