Getting Along with People

If a man does not make new acquaintances as he advances through life, he will soon find himself left alone.
A man, sir, should keep his friendship in a constant repair.

James Boswell
The Life of Samuel Johnson [1791]

For instance, it is certainly more enjoyable to be around people who show an interest in the world around them. Observing the birds that visit your feeder–and noting that the robins have returned early this spring–can be the source of conversations throughout the day. Reading the daily newspaper provides a wealth of information to discuss over lunch, and reading the latest bestseller often leads to many memorable conversations. The point is that we are most attracted to people who are attractive, and being interested in life is very attractive, no matter what age.

We are also attracted to people who find us attractive. Think of the people you enjoy most. They ask about your life, seek out your opinion, show concern for your well-being, and, most important, exhibit a sensitivity to your needs and ailments. And they compliment you, too. When is the last time you paid someone a compliment?

It is true, of course, that our physical attractiveness dims as we age, but we all have seen women and men who are many years older and who are still remarkably handsome. Remaining trim helps, but choosing the right clothing for your build (and your age) helps, too. Finding an appropriate hair style can improve your appearance–as can new eye glasses. Having a photo taken of yourself at least once a year provides valuable insight into how others see you–and it may highlight things that you want to change.

One of the most endearing characteristics of a friend, however, has nothing to do with appearance. A sense of humor transcends looks and is most often mentioned by people when looking for a spouse. Being able to laugh at yourself means that you don't take life too seriously, and that feature, of course, is always attractive. An added incentive: laughter is good medicine.

It is also true that good cooks have good friends. Few things are as enjoyable as being served a delicious meal in the company of interesting people. If you find that you are seeing friends or family less often, perhaps it is time to try a new recipe and invite them to dinner.

Forsake not an old friend; for the new is not comparable to him:
a new friend is as new wine; when it is old, thou shalt drink it with pleasure.

Ecclesiasticus, 9:10

Finally, to this list of do's it is important to add a don't: Don't be in a hurry to judge the actions of others. If you have chosen your friends carefully, then withhold casual judgment on what they do. For instance, it's hard not to voice an opinion when you hear things that you disagree with, but one of the most cherished characteristics of a good friend is that he or she listens... and reserves judgment. Practice listening. If your opinion is needed, you will be asked for it. Besides, how often has your opinion really changed the actions of others anyway?

Withholding judgement is also a very good idea when your feelings have been hurt. Is it possible that you have misinterpreted the situation that has led to the bad feelings? The insensitivities of others are seldom intentional. Besides, perceived slights by definition are petty and inconsequential. Do you really want to throw away a long, cherished history together because of momentary hurt feelings? Try reining in your sensitivities instead. Granted, it's not easy letting go of perceived injustices when hurt feelings are involved. But there are things you can do to help change those feelings and thus rid yourself of negative, counterproductive thoughts.

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