Changing How You Feel

If you are idle,
be not solitary;
if you are solitary,
be not idle.

James Boswell
The Life of Samuel Johnson [1791]

It's not unusual to be in a funk now and then. You don't feel like doing anything so you sit in front of the television–maybe even for hours–which only adds to your blue mood. If you are really interested in changing how you feel, then you will need to get up and start moving. Go for a walk. Look at the world around you, notice the trees, the flowers, feel the sun on your face. This may be the most important advice we offer you. Walking will make you feel better. But if not walking, then at least find some activity that you enjoy doing. Go see a film, go to a museum, take a friend to lunch, or, yes, go shopping. It's easy and it's fun… and you'll feel better.

Doing something about how you feel is especially important if you are regularly experiencing a lack of interest in everything around you. This general malaise is probably the result of a number of things happening to you at the same time. You may experience something like this after you retire, for example. If you have not planned for retirement, then you may find that you no longer have a reason to rise in the morning. You may also experience a real loss as a result of no longer being affiliated with a group of people. Again, if you haven't planned for such a dramatic change in your life, you may find that you are ill-equipped to handle your new life. As a result, you feel blue. Such unpleasant feelings are red flags telling you that your environment needs to be changed. Does waking up and seeing 6:00 a.m. on the alarm clock make you unhappy because you seldom have anything to do during the day? Then solve the problem by adding to your day physical activities and intellectual activities so that you are busy throughout the day. How about a daily visit to the neighbor down the street or a daily trip to the grocery store? Perhaps, you would enjoy volunteering at the local senior-citizen center–the residents can always use the company. What about joining the local social clubs, book clubs, or cooking classes? They bring you in contact with people who have similar interests and are a great place to meet new friends. Then the thought of a new day won't be an occasion for sadness.

Unfortunately, one of the more frequent complaints of older adults is more serious than a blue mood. Feelings of sadness or emptiness probably strike all of us at one time or another, but if you are regularly experiencing sadness throughout much of the day, day after day, something needs to be done. Sometimes such feelings can be attributed to the loss of someone or something (your home, neighborhood, or standard of living), and grieving is an appropriate reaction to such loss. But there does come a time when such grieving is unhealthy and counterproductive. If your doctor has ruled out medical causes, she may recommend that you take antidepressants. But there is something else you may be able to do as well: change the conditions that are causing the feeling. First, you will need to figure out what is triggering the unpleasant feelings. Then you can either learn to systematically avoid those conditions, find a way to render them ineffective, or confront them head-on. Which strategy you use depends upon the circumstances and the outcome you desire.

If you are sad about the loss of someone you love, and you experience pangs of sadness every time you glance at the photo album that is filled with pictures of your loved one, it is time to put the album in the attic. Or, is it simply seeing the ashtray she used or her favorite chair that fills you with melancholy? Then put it away. You needn't dispose of these objects–give yourself some time for making such decisions–but do put away everything that triggers unpleasant emotions and that is keeping you living in the past. Does talking about your sadness make you sadder? Then stop talking about it. It is only by doing something different that you can experience different feelings. Avoiding triggers will help you feel better.

I was angry with my friend;
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe;
I told it not, my wrath did grow.

William Blake
Songs of Experience [1794]

There are other times, however, when avoiding the trigger is not the best strategy. Consider what happens when a friend has mistreated you in someway. If you're like most people, you will do everything you can to avoid the person. Unfortunately, if you are in the same bridge club or yoga class with the individual, attempting to avoid her requires more energy (and time wasted!) than being friendly. Worse, you walk around with negative feelings. You need a different solution; you need to figure out a way of weakening her ability to trigger your emotions. Try writing to her and tactfully tell her why you are upset. You may be surprised at how much better you feel once you have had an opportunity to “get it off your chest.” The recipient of your call or note will probably be glad you did too. If not, at least you may find that you can now speak to her without the same unpleasant feelings. But remember: when explaining how you feel, be very careful not to say things that are hurtful in return. If you do, there will be repercussions, and she will in all likelihood become a greater trigger for unpleasantness in the future.

There are other occasions when the triggers for unpleasant emotions are impossible to avoid. Your best friend says things at times that hurt your feelings. He thinks he's being cute or funny, but his put-downs hurt. At times like this, instead of holding your tongue and walking away to lick wounds, speak up. Learn to give him a little of what he is giving you. If you don't speak up immediately, you will be upset most of the day and, worse, you have lost your opportunity to defend yourself. To mention to your friend the next day that he hurt your feelings is to set yourself up for yet another put-down. (As children we called such playmates cry-babies.) Happily, you will discover that by standing up for yourself you will feel better and your friend's annoying comments will occur less often.

There are other occasions that trigger fear, and they too need to be confronted so as to render it ineffective. Maybe you have a fear of elevators or heights or a fear of dogs. If you do, then you will need to slowly and carefully confront the feared object. That is, you will need to safely put yourself in the presence of the trigger. At first do this for only brief periods of time and then gradually extend the amount of time. Continue to do this until that which caused your fear no longer does. In other words, embrace (metaphorically speaking) the very thing that causes you anxiety. In time, if everything goes smoothly while you are in the presence of the trigger, your fear will diminish.

If you are truly interested in bringing your emotions under better control, learn to pay close attention to the events in your environment that predict the triggers for negative feelings. For example, do you find yourself becoming angry when certain topics are brought up or when you are around a certain person? Then learn to spot the predictors for these occasions. Does it always occur at a particular friend's house? Does it always occur when someone brings up politics? Then plan ahead. Decide what you are going to do. Avoid the situation? Arrange to make the trigger less effective? Confront the trigger? Whatever you choose, follow through with your plan when the time comes. If you are successful in this kind of self-management, you will have gone a long way in learning how to enjoy life.    

One final comment: if you are unable to follow through on any of the suggestions offered here, do seek professional help. A therapist can help you learn how to manage your life so that you begin to feel better.

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